“Now, I assume that most people are extending their love and support and what do you know, they usually are.”

I have been running a small cleaning gig for years; cleaning offices and homes on my own.  I have cleaned while I did mosaics, ceramics, and collaborative art.  I have cleaned while going to school to learn industrial welding.  I have cleaned as a way to be independent and not work for large corporations like I did in the past.

After doing Tim’s self love series in 2015, I decided to try hiring people and growing my cleaning business to include employees through a new model:  a collective or employee owned company.

“I nearly doubled my clients and grew a lot of energy around my green/eco cleaning”

I couldn’t keep up with the amount of accounts available to me.  It is still this way.  I tried hiring friends and people from within my community. I found out that my boundaries needed some rounding out with managing.  I found out that I love working with others and have been quite lonely, cleaning these empty buildings solo for years now.

Even though cleaning has been the most lucrative for me, my heart is not in running a cleaning business..  I nearly doubled my client list and am making more money than ever in my life but I’m unhappy with my work still.  This isn’t failure like I first judged.  This is part of my path on self love and deep discovery.  I have been praying and asking for guidance in my life’s purpose.

What can I do?  What can I contribute? What is the most helpful and loving contribution for the greater good of all?  I had never asked these kinds of questions in the past.  I never had the audacity to believe I could contribute in a significant way.  I didn’t have the belief in myself. Truth.  Things are much different now.

I was recently invited to start training with a woman who helps people recover from trauma and PTSD.  She handpicked four people to do six months of intensive training with her.  I was so thrilled when she asked because I knew I could be good at it and I was so proud and grateful that she recognized that in me.

But my heart sunk because I knew I didn’t have a lot of funds to pay for training/school/etc…  Before I could even mention this, she explained that the training would be at a very nominal and reasonable cost.  And her plan was to create a collective and talk together about how to generate income and share profit.

Wow, once again, one of my visions (a workers’ collective) was manifesting, just not as I originally imagined.  Actually, in an area I much more activated about and ultimately will be better skilled at.

I feel alive and fulfilled in a new way after only two training sessions with this trauma release group.  I’m now cleaning homes and offices solo and sustaining my current budget.  I’m retracting from writing a business plan for the cleaning company and I’m in a place of brainstorming and leaning into seeing myself as a healer and possibly a counselor.

I am going to start researching masters programs in social work and counseling while pursuing this current trauma work.

Finally there are two other areas that Tim’s work have deeply changed in my life.  One, is my capacity to dream and make goals for myself. Two, is growing my capacity for depth and continuity in friendships and relationships.

In the first area of goals and gifting to myself:  I bought a new car for myself, the newest I have yet, and it happens to be a bit of a lemon. It looks great and is a hybrid but actually only gets 21-24 mpg and the mechanics cannot figure out why.

So, I think part of my lessons with all the ‘success’ I have is that my goals can be refined and the more heart centered and thoughtful they are, the better the reward.  I made a quick purchase based on looks and excitement at my audacity to give myself something reliable and new.  Something I didn’t think I was worthy of in the past!

Now the last area and deeply wonderful part of this self love work is that I feel so much more gratitude and less fear and doubt when interacting with my neighbors, with my friends, with my family.

“I assume that people have my best interest in mind. I assume that they enjoy my company and want the best for me”

I have walked around for years, feeling that I was a fraud and that if people really knew me they would turn and run.  Now, I assume that most people are extending their love and support and what do you know, they usually are.  And wow, the more I am able to receive that from them….the more I have to share with others.  It is hard to describe without it sounding like prose or abstract advice.  It really is something I feel from the core of me.

All I can say is that I feel the most loved and most loving that I have in years.  I feel connected to that 10 year old in me that was positive about life, animals, plants, and people.  Some days are still harder than others but recovery is much quicker from those sad or challenging emotions.

As I make goals and realize them, I understand the more time and thought I put into the goals and the MORE HEART, the better the results.

I think running a small cleaning business has been a platform, a touching stone for the next phase in my life:  counselor, social worker, or some aspect of working with people recovering from trauma.  This includes my passion for sex education, conversations around queer rights, women’s rights, and my organizing of radical consent workshops in my city and electronic dance community.

Thank you Tim for teaching this transformative process. Meditation, writing, and dedication to myself has been invaluable and vital to my current life goals!

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